Updated: Jul 3
In this segment of #BBTB, I will discuss mistakes that I’ve made that you can avoid. I will speak on both finance, and relationship advice! Today’s topic will discuss what you should do when you’ve found a man that wants to give you everything. I know that a lot of women want a man that will spoil them, and nothing is wrong with that. I just advise you to be careful for what you ask for because you may not know how to handle it, and everything comes with a price. If this happens for you, I want you to be smart about it, and not make the same mistakes that I did. Now pull out your notepads, and let’s get into it!
The first time I dated a guy who spoiled me, I became addicted to it in the worst way. My uncle once told me that a man giving me money was one of the worst things that happened to me, and to some extent I agree. I had been the type of girl to always do everything on her own. At 19, my mom had to relocate because of my step dad’s job. I didn’t want to leave Atlanta, so I got my first official job. I stayed with my uncle and saved up the whole summer to get my first apartment. A month or so before my 20th birthday I got the keys to my apartment. I was doing good for myself. I had a car, I was paying all my own bills, and I even took my first trip out the country. I was the epitome of independent, and I kept that same momentum going until I was about 21. It was then, that I met my first REAL boyfriend. I didn’t know at the time, but my life would be changed forever. Before meeting him, I had guys do nice things for me. I’ve gotten presents, went on dates, and even had a guy take me shopping, but I had never had a guy combine it all and make it a lifestyle. Immediately this guy took me everywhere. We blew money every day like it was nothing. We went to every restaurant in Atlanta, we shopped, we did helicopter rides over the city, and whatever else we felt like doing in the moment! All the things I took care of myself, he started doing, and I loved it! Now keep in mind I’ve been working the same job since I was 19, and I hated it to the max. I was in school along with working 5 days a week, so I’m sure you could understand my frustration. I was ready to escape. I would always complain to my boyfriend at the time and his response was always to just quit because “he got me” (this is a #REDFLAG, get a man who keeps you motivated)! Fast-forward to a few months later, my step dad passes away, and I’m beyond depressed. I changed my position at work to go on call. This basically means that they call me when they need me, and I can tell them if I’m available or not. This played a major part in my lesson and was also my first mistake, and I will tell you why. Get ready:
Rule #1: NEVER BECOME LAZY!
Ladies no matter how much you hate your job never become lazy. In my eyes, laziness is a sin! I was depressed for a long time after losing my step dad, so a break from work sounded like a great option. The problem was I didn’t find anything productive to fill that void with. There was nothing wrong with me not wanting to work at my job anymore because if you’re unhappy in your work environment you should definitely make changes. I could’ve just gotten a different job that would’ve been better for me. I could’ve thought about something innovative that could’ve bought me money to the table because he would’ve definitely sponsored it. There were so many things I could have done that would have kept me from being lazy. I heard, “I got you.”, and that was all I needed. I should have used those “I got you’s” to secure my bag but unfortunately, my mind didn’t work like that at the time, so I took the basic bitch route.
For my 22nd birthday he woke up in the morning and told me we were going to the Louie store. He bought me a $3,000.00 Louis Vuitton bag. I was happy, but still very nonchalant to some extent. I love nice things, but after getting that bag nothing in my life changed and I didn’t have super powers, so at the end of the day it was like whatever to me. In that situation, I should’ve told him I wanted the money, and forget the bag. Why did I need to be walking around with a $3000.00 bag when I was still paying a car note on a car that was only worth $10,000.00? From a responsibility stand point, it just didn’t make sense! It wasn’t smart. I didn’t have things that were more important secured, so the bag was like a front. I could’ve been fixing things on my credit or paying bills in advance instead of having a designer bag. Don’t get it twisted, I was also given money and of course I didn’t do anything responsible with it. I used that to buy my friend and I a flight to go to Colombia(the country) for my birthday. When it was actually time for us to go I needed more spending money. Did he have it to give? No! He had spent all his money doing some dumb shit with his friends, so I had to use money that my mom was giving me for my birthday. I’m not saying it was his job to finance my whole trip, but that’s definitely what he told me would happen. The whole time I was on vacation, he was promising me money that neverrrrrr came. I still managed to have a great time, and even had money left over after the trip. (SN: I may do a blog on going to Colombia because it’s a fun inexpensive trip in my opinion). At the end of the day, my rent, car note, insurance, and MY birthday were my responsibilities. Don’t become lazy or burnt out in your 20s with your whole life ahead of you. You can let someone take care of you, but be able to take care of yourself as well. There’s always a smart way to do anything! What I should’ve did was kept working my job and kept letting my boyfriend pay my bills, and I should’ve put my own money in a stash. I shouldn’t have depended on him to make sure I was secure during my trip, no one is 100% obligated to help anyone.
That brings me to my next point, Rule #2: NEVER DEPEND ON A MAN 100%...unless he’s your husband(sometimes those are even proven to be undependable, so know what you’re getting yourself into). If a man is not married to you, or doesn’t have a kid with you…he doesn’t owe you anything! No matter how much money he spends on you at the end of the day, it is not your money! He can easily meet a new woman and decide to spend all of his money on her, and what can you really do about that? Nothing! Because it’s not your money. Also, the guy I was dating was doing illegal things for money, so that’s something you have to take in consideration as well. Is this person getting fast money? Because that comes fast and it goes fast as well. Some men want to be the ideal man before they are in a position to be. My boyfriend at the time said that he had me. In his defense, I’m sure he meant that 100%, but at the end of the day he didn’t even have himself. Sure he had money, but that doesn’t mean anything when you don’t know what to do with it. Needless to say, he did have me a lot of times but there were also times when I was shit out luck because he didn’t make the money he thought he would that day or he did dumb shit with HIS money. He took on a responsibility that mentality he wasn’t capable of committing to 100%. When dudes get a lot of fast money, I’ve noticed they start to think they’re getting lawyer money or something. It’s like they think they have a career and that they made it. If you have $10,000.00 one week, and you have nothing left in 3 weeks all that shows me is you’re immature. Don’t overlook a guy that works a regular 9-5 for a guy that flashes $10,000 because sometimes responsibility will take you further than money. Responsibility creates longevity, and guys that flash money have money that is gone in a flash (not always the case, but you get where I’m going with this!).
Rule: #3 PAY ATTENTION TO THE TYPE OF GUY YOURE DEALING WITH!
Ask yourself, why does this person want to help me out materialistically and/or financially? A man can want to help you because he really loves you and wants to see you be great, or it could be a form of control. With my boyfriend at the time, I would say it was a little bit of both. He was someone that liked to be needed. I was only working maximum 3 days a week(if that), and I still had responsibilities. He was cheating on me, and driving me crazy but with no one else to turn to financially, I felt stuck. My mom was there when I needed her but she was still trying to learn how to cope without her husband, and my dad would help me here and there. I still didn’t want to go back to working full time, so what did I do? Go back and let him drive me crazy again and again. I was also still pretty depressed about the loss of my step dad, so I tried to keep the relationship going to avoid heartbreak at the time of loss. He would buy me something or come back and manipulate me. He would say that even if we weren’t together he still “got me”, and of course that wasn’t true. I knew the moment I was done with him for real, he wouldn’t give me anything. We would get into arguments and he would throw everything he’s done for me in my face. He would tell me he had done more for me than any man has ever done or would ever do, which wasn’t true. I’m very prideful so I couldn’t take that, my old life that was full of independence always stayed in the back of my head, and eventually I got tired of being cheated on as a hobby. I had real thoughts about killing him and his mistress (I’m sure you’re laughing but im very serious)! I vowed to find my own way without him. It took me awhile to get my shit back together, but it was a major lessoned learned and I think I needed it. He had come to me because I was different from the girls he dated before, who I’m assuming just treated him like a trick. I had my own, but by the time we were done I had a lot of things in common with those previous women. He was making me feel like I only had him…just like them. I helped him take that independence away from me, and make me the same.
Currently, I am back to working a full time job with benefits, where I make great money. I don’t love it, but I know it’s a blessing and a huge stepping stone. I am a published author and without my 9-5 to sponsor my dream, that would’ve never happened. My book, “Cocaine” has earned me over $2000.00 in sales and has only been out for under 2 months. Since my Colombia trip in 2016, I’ve been to 4 different countries and money wasn’t an issue. During the times that I described above, I would’ve never thought I would be able to tell you this. I was so stuck in my current situation that I couldn’t even think about what was possibly in store for me. I didn’t achieve these things until I took control of my own life. Avoid the lessons I had to learn, and take control of yours today!